#1 – “don’t text and date” date

First dates are usually always approached with slight apprehension, many questions will circulate in your head from the time you agree to go on the date right up until you finally get there. There’s the usual dramas of what to wear, what if he doesn’t like me, what if we have nothing to talk about and what will happen next. Let’s face it, when you are in the dating game, you are going on a first date with the eternal hope of it leading fluidly onto a second and then carrying on.  What I am about to tell you though, has no happy ending and all of the above dating fears definitely came true on this date.

So in-between date three and two on the countdown I went on date number one. The world’s worst date, with no comparison, the “don’t text and date” date.

After a night out in Birmingham when I was filling my face at Big Bite or Big Eat or whatever the food place on Broad Street is called (bright orange signs- I haven’t been in so long I can’t decide what it was called) I got talking to a man named Jon. (Again I can tell you his really name as I am one million percent sure you don’t know him and if by some bizarre chance this starts to sound familiar to a Jon you dated – I feel your pain!). He was tall, broad shouldered and had a decent enough face. It’s safe to say my previous type was based on this, if you looked like you could take a punch in the face well, that was a good start. To clarify that this was not another potential “angry sex cd” owner, Jon was wearing jeans, a light blue shirt and shoes. Not trainers, not a polo shirt, he was smart dressed, clean cut and well maintained. We had a chat, mainly him saying putting cheese on chips was an awful habit but we swapped numbers and off we went.

He text the next day, and after talking and texting I found out that he was from Essex, lived in Cheltenham and worked in Birmingham. He said he stayed in Birmingham most of the week to save the commute so he could go out for dinner any night. Again my work schedule was less than accommodating and resulted in the conversations dwindling. Every few weeks he’d text again asking if I was free and for what seemed months I never was. Well, that is not entirely true. The thing is while Jon was nice, even over texts and phone calls he came across as quite intense. He’d ask to see me then try to give me five ways around whatever my obstacle was. Including offering to pick me up from work just to give me a lift home so he could at least see me…(big eyes emoji) Now as flattering as that may seem to some people, it just came across as too much too soon and put me off, resulting in me delaying seeing him as much as could.

Persistent as he was though, the time came where- if I am honest- I had nothing better to do and he text at the right time. He seemed pleased that I was free so he arranged to come over to Coventry for dinner one night. What follows is the most bizarre date you will ever read. All I can say is that parts are graphic and parts are so unbelievable your toes will curl – and it will get worse. I have warned you to the best of my ability. So here are the straight facts.

By the time the night came for the date I was actually excited. I spent a good amount of time getting ready and then after I had played out all the usual dating questions in my head, he text to say he was outside. (Again notice Jon text to say he was outside- he didn’t knock. No-one ever knocks). I walked out in high heels and a floral dress, strolled over doing that slow walk us girls do like we are walking on ice because we are worrying we are going to stamp on a wonky paving slab and stack it and no-one needs that on a first date. As all single girls will know, some nights you feel your face is wonky, your eyelashes have gone wrong and you feel a sharp edge poking the corner of your eye all night and you worry that you’ve misjudged whether the bright lip you’ve gone for has smudged for the entire night. This however, was not one of those nights, I was reasonably happy with how my face went, my tan was streak free and I was feeling like the date was full of potential.

I’ve climbed into Jon’s Audi and instantly thought two things. Firstly, he was much better looking than I remembered and I was pleasantly surprised. And secondly, he had the most god awful blinged huge watch on which was bright blue and covered in Swarovski crystals. He said he needed petrol so I directed him to the nearest station, as I made polite conversation I noticed that he hadn’t looked at me since I got in the car. He started telling me about nights out where he was from, not that we were talking about that but he steered the conversation there so I let him carry on. He casually said “yea when we go out my mates will say, oh that girls fit, but I look and think they are plain. I like girls that look really stunning and stand out. I don’t want a girl that you can find anywhere, I’m really really fussy. The slightest thing can put me off.” Instantly I thought wow, that’s a blunt way to say “this was a wasted journey” and I won’t lie I was a bit disappointed. We got to the petrol station and whilst he filled his car up I went to the cash point. Being from Cov, as a female you get just to men leering at you, so when I came back to find that he hadn’t even looked up at me I was convinced that he was definitely not into me and he was not interested.

When he asked me to direct him to the restaurant I asked if there was any point, as if he already knew I wasn’t his type I may as well go home. But he insisted that he wanted to go for dinner, so off we went. We got a drink and sat down and he started telling me more about him. He was telling me about how he likes to spend his Saturdays shopping and drinking coffee, he likes to buy “penguin” shirts (which to this day I still have never heard of) and spend a few thousand on new clothes and going out each weekend. At this, I immediately thought that the watch should have been my hint he was going to be pretentious and I should have gotten out of the car right then. My face must of given me away as he was then on his phone messaging, forgetting where he was in the conversation with me and then trying to fill in the gaps of the conversation when he lost his trail of thought due to being on his phone by asking me questions, which he would also forget and end up looking at me like I was speaking a different language.

In an attempt to save the conversation I asked what he had done that day – then the date really went downhill. He said that he had re-joined the gym, when I asked why he said “well when I had a shower this morning, the way the shower in my ensuite in my penthouse apartment is, you get out and are straight in front of a mirror, and I looked down and thought my cock looked massive but my body could be better- so re-joined. I’ll get us another drink” and off he popped to the bar.

You might think this was my second sign to leave, I mean he’s basically told me I’m not pretty enough for him to date which he confirmed by not looking at me and constantly being on his phone, then he has directly mentioned his cock and stalked off to the bar leaving me to think over the first twenty minutes of our date and trying to figure out what was happening. I was that perturbed by it all I literally just sat there baffled.

Jon came back with drinks and as soon as he sat down he asked me where my phone was. This didn’t click with me and I simply replied, “it’s in my bag, I’m here with you why would I need my phone?” The conversation carried on and he asked about exes, I kept it short and sweet with no details – unfortunately Jon didn’t. He started to tell me about his ex. He said that it was a really sexual relationship with a girl he loved and he would have married her but she was intent on travelling abroad so he had agreed it was best to not get serious and she had left a few months before. He said he loved her because she had no real inhibitions, I was pulling another face (probably the emoji with straight lines for the eyes and the mouth) so he offered more information as if I was struggling to understand.

“Because we had decided to not get serious yea, we used to see other people as well, it was never an issue. One night my housemate said he really really wanted to sleep with her after hearing us having sex (imagine my face) so I thought, he may as well. I mean we sleep with other people anyway so I told him to just leave with her and I’d give it a few hours before I went home. I stayed out a few hours but when I got back they were in the living room, she was on the floor with him on top of her…”

In my head as weird as the story was I felt a bit sorry for him, how awful that your mate not only asks to sleep with the girl you love and you have to stay out of your house while they do it but you walk in while they are still at it. Then my sympathy faded faster than you could down a jager bomb as he carried on…

“So I went over and told him to let me show him how she likes it, bent her over and she was moaning in seconds, after a few minutes I stopped, went to bed and left him to crack on.”

(Horror scream face emoji and the sick face emoji – I have no words)

By now I had actually had enough of this date, it was going from bad to worst, and then he asked me if I had checked my phone. I pointed out I thought it was rude to spend time on my phone on a date, but got it out anyway. Jon was still on his phone and I literally was past the point of polite, I asked why when he had waited months to see me had he spent the entire time on the phone. His answer was again priceless.

“Ah sorry babe, this bird keeps texting me, I met her out last week, she just messaged me to say she’s fingering herself and wants me to come over to finish her off”

I was literally fuming, I told him not to keep her waiting on my account and that I was sorry I was such as waste of his time. By chance I looked at my phone and seen he had text me. Now I am not entirely proud of my reaction but I can guarantee I was characteristically not quiet. I asked why he text me, at which point he attempted to take the phone off me and told me to forget it and delete the message. I thought the little twat has text me by mistake, it’s clearly a text for his “little friend” that he wishes he was seeing instead of me. So I threw him a death stare and read the text. What it said simply stumped me.

“I think you are stunning”

Was he joking me? He had barely looked at me, he had told every story you would never tell especially on a first date, he had spoken about money, about exes and been a total moron messaging another girl through our whole date.

Needless to say I said most of the above and more, very loudly, and told him I was leaving.

I stalked out, now not bothered about walking overly uneven paving carefully- my anger would make sure I wouldn’t fall. I mean he made me feel like I wasn’t good enough for him, then had gone on about his sexual past and all the time had sent a bizarre message which contradicted the way he had behaved all night. I had no time for any of that. Then he pops up next to me, takes my arm and offered me a lift home, I refused obviously but then realised I would have to ring a taxi and walk back inside to wait, he said he was sorry the date had gone so wrong and said if I wouldn’t get in the car he would wait until I left to leave to be sure I wasn’t stuck there.

Standing there looking at him, he looked so vulnerable and I thought a lift home couldn’t be any worse than the date had already been. After all, I had been speaking to him for months and he had been so nice, I couldn’t believe how badly he had came across in person. So I got in the car – which was my worst mistake.

For a few minutes he didn’t say anything, he just looked a bit defeated, then it was like I was in the car with a different person. He started shouting at me, asking me what my problem was, why hadn’t I kissed him, why wasn’t I even trying to make any effort with him. I began arguing back saying that maybe if he had acted more interested in me and hadnt talked about money and his ex all night the date could have gone differently but he was just getting angrier and sped up. When I told him to slow down he was shouting he would rather drive us into a wall than me not want him, asking what was wrong with him for me not to want him. So I said that that wasn’t the case, I did think he was good looking, but he needed to slow down. By some miracle we made it to my house. Just when I thought it was over, he locked the doors and said he needed to talk to me.

He started telling me that everything with his ex was all for show, that he wasn’t as sexual driven as her but she was always want more of a rush. He said she came home one night and he was talking to his cousin and she said to his cousin, “get out I want to give Jon a blow job” they had been watching a pay per view fight on tv so his cousin said no, so she just did it anyway. So he was getting a blow job whilst sitting next to his cousin…

I was speechless. I literally had no idea what to say to him, I explained that I’m not really like his ex or like the girl he had met the week before and that I didn’t think we would work. He said he had came all this way and he wanted me to know how much he liked me. He said he wanted to see me again and show me he was a good person, I agreed saying of course we could go out again, but right then I needed to get out the car and go into my house, saying I had seen my Dad look out the window and it was only a matter of minutes before he was bound to come out to see what I was doing just sitting outside.

He unlocked the car and told me he was sorry for shouting and I carefully walked into my house waving and smiling before getting in double locking the door and getting into bed. He rang about thirty times on his drive home to Canterbury, left me voicemail after voicemail, some being normal saying it was nice to meet me, others shouting about how emotionless I was to have not even tried to touch him or comfort him. Needless to say I never answered his calls or texts again although my sister and I spotted his car driving past a few times in the weeks that followed, slowing down as he past my house.

What this awful date taught me was that money and looks count for nothing. Jon was seriously damaged and his ex-girlfriend was a girl of very loose morals. I still can’t figure out if he actually lived the elaborate lifestyle he claimed to, it could have all been standard line he used to reel off to everyone and he might of lived with his mum in a box room. Or if the ex actually existed either or whether he had made her up to come across as more sexual than he was. Maybe it was all true.

Again I’ll add that I didn’t think at any point that he would actually drive me into the wall, I was more concerned about what other sex stories I would be exposed to- that I could never erase from my memory. Jon definitely deserved to be at worst date number one.

So girls, if a man seems over keen until you meet him but ignores you when you do meet him, if he talks about money and labels you’ve never heard of and if he tells you about sex with his ex on the first date- you might have met Jon! I sincerely hope you have laughed and had your toes curl whilst you read this.

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